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Heart
Direct Answers - Column for the week of May 24, 2004 I am the mother of a 6-year-old child. My husband is an alcoholic and refuses to realize it because he can skip a few days, once in awhile, before drinking again. A few years ago he went to a counselor with me and was told those few days in between are considered a "dry drunk." I totally agree as his verbal abuse is worst when he's dry occasionally. I have a little bit of college, but no vehicle or means of getting out on my own. Everyone refuses to help. They tell me to stay with him and raise my son. I feel I am the only parent as my husband spends most of the time drinking, cursing, or sleeping. Why am I the only person who feels this is no life for a child? My son and I have nowhere to turn. My dad passed away when I was a child. My mother takes as much as she can from us and only looks out for herself. What can I do? Sondra Sondra, a few years ago a friend of ours went on vacation, and we agreed to feed his dog, a Great Pyrenees, while he was gone. Wayne was carrying a 50 pound sack of dry dog food through our friend's kitchen, when the bag split. The height and momentum of the moving bag caused dry food to ricochet everywhere. Dog food covered the entire kitchen floor. Some of it landed in our friend's sun porch, home office, living room, and breakfast nook. It was a mess to clean up, but the hardest part may have been deciding where to start and having the heart to begin. You are right. This is no life for a child. Your son is growing up in a world totally beyond his control. He can't stop his father's drinking, he can't stop his father's abuse, and his father is not showing him how to be an adult male. A home like yours is a factory for producing children who will struggle as adults, seeking to please others in preference to seeking workable solutions to problems. In addition, children of alcoholics usually feel isolated and question themselves, while pretending to outsiders that everything is normal. Your mother won't help. She wants to keep you in this situation for her own benefit. Your friends won't help. The simple aid of close friends and family is unavailable to you, so your first step will have to be a bigger one. Contact everyone you think could help you. That includes government services, career counselors, women's centers, churches, and an attorney. Look into every possible type of assistance. Your goal is to get yourself and your son out of the control of an abusive drunk. Keep your eye on the goal. If you go to an organization or individual, and their goal is not the same as yours, move on to the next possibility. You don't have the ability to make your husband stop drinking, and we are not going to tell you to handcuff yourself to this situation. Some people may tell you that you can help your husband not to drink, but they won't say, as is often the case, you may never change his behavior. He may be five years from sobriety or 35 years from sobriety. He may spend his entire life inside a bottle. You cannot cure someone of something they deny they have. But you have been cured. You no longer want to be the wife of an alcoholic or have your son raised by one. Don't let anyone uncure you of that. If you and your son leave, then you control your fate, not a bottle of liquor. Often in life we are handed 50 pounds of dog food to clean up. The hardest part is deciding where to start and having the heart to begin. Wayne & Tamara About The Author Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com" target="_new">www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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The Meaning of Life Life ?.. Justice Delayed Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 22, 2003I have three grown children. My elderly father, six younger brothers, and a large extended family live in the old country. Who are you? I have a question for you.Who are you?This may be a simply enough question but before you attempt to answer this question let us go on a voyage of personal self discovery which will allow you to find an acceptable answer. He Who Laughs...Lasts---Where Has All The Laughter Gone? I love to watch people at airports, malls and even at our church. I wonder, what got them here? What attracted those two people to be together at this time? What makes that one tick or that one over there work so hard? And sadly, I wonder where has all the laughter gone?Studies show that children laugh approximately 400 times per day while adults laugh as little as 15 times a day. Ever Wondered Why Everyone Else is Moving On, Except You? "I attend courses, read books, listen to CD's, yet I am still not living the life I want to and am unhappy with the life I have. How can I have the life I want to have?"This is a surprisingly common dilemma. 3 Big Fat Lies that Deserve to Die Big Fat Lie 1: Your personality is formed and unchangeable by age 5 or 6Somehow we have accepted the idea that we are complete by age 5 or 6 because some "learned psychologist" said so.Recent research reveals, however, that our neocortex, the front part of our brain that is responsible for reasoning and decision-making, is still developing well into late adolescence. Today is Yesterdays Tomorrow The problem with waiting until tomorrow is that when it finally arrives, it is called today. Today is yesterday's tomorrow. Look To Trees To Help You Keep Balanced And Focused While Achieving Your Dreams Do you remember looking up through the branches of a beautiful, leafy tree, on a warm sunny day? How the sunlight filtering through the lush greeness, seemed to take on an almost magical quality?And do you recall how this golden sunlight and the softly swaying branches almost seemed to be the physical enactment of a song, a whispering melody, just beyond the reach of your ears?Trees, strong and sturdy, with roots deeply entrenched in the ground, while all the time reaching for the heavens or stretching out, giving shelter and protection to all who need it.Which sort of tree are you more drawn to?Are you more like a tall tree that directs its energy upward, always focussing on the next goal and not really given to taking time to relax?Or do you have more in common with the shade giver, reaching out and wanting to experience all that life has to offer you?Perhaps at different points in your life, you're either one or the other, sometimes concentrating hard on accomplishing set targets, allowing no distractions until you've reached them. Its The Little Things That Count Have you ever been in the situation where you have become so focussed on achieving a goal that you have done so at the detriment of everything else in your life?The 'All or Nothing' SyndromeIn a coaching session I had with one of my clients this week, he realised that to complete the goal he wanted to achieve by the end of September, that he has totally neglected every other area of his life.He has fallen into the 'all or nothing' syndrome. Teachers Pet Direct Answers - Column for the week of October 20, 2003I am 32 and a mom with two children. I've pretty much been single for two years. Journals You Can Keep Besides your daily feelings, thoughts, and experiences journal, there are many ideas for journals or diaries that you can keep, some are suggested below. Buy a blank book or a notebook with a particular journal topic in mind and keep this book for only that topic. Who Is Wallace Wattles and Why Is He One of My Mentors and Heroes? Who is Wallace Wattles? Wallace D. Wattles died over 90 years ago so how can he be one of my mentors and heroes?I had been studying the works of some of the most famous self-improvement 'gurus' of recent times and several of them mentioned the book 'The Science Of Getting Rich' as the starting point of their own success. Flight Delay Direct Answers - Column for the week of October 6, 2003It took me eight years after my husband died to try a relationship, and now I am thinking maybe I should never have tried.Over a year ago I met Jay. The Final Frontier When all that you have done has not brought you what you truly desire, isn't it about time to move out of the box ask questions and make changes?What would you think if you went to your doctor and he hit you over the head with a rubber hammer to knock you out before some minor surgery? Does the horse and buggy now serve you to take you to work each day? Would you settle for going down town to the telegraph office, to have a message sent to your aunt across the country? Could you possibly get along without your cel phone, fax machine or microwave oven?The answer is "of course not." We have evolved and our world is moving much too quickly to rely on out dated technology to serve us. How Would YOU React To Tragedy Like This? The true story I'm about to share will have a profound impact on you, just as it did on me.One day a mother was in her kitchen doing the dishes, when through the window, out of the corner of her eye, she saw an alligator moving across the lake behind the family's Florida home. Reality Check Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 16, 2002Two years ago I made the greatest mistake of my life. I started dating a coworker. Dont Ever Give Up There is a reason I never gave up. A reason I never will give up my hope, my dreams, my desire to live. Being An Adult I have always thought that grandparents were the icons of wisdom, the "go to" person with he answers, the epitome of patience.When I was young, I often thought, "When I grow up, I want to be like Grandpa". Remember The Titans --Let Them Never Forget... In the popular movie, "Remember the Titans" most of us most likely can recall our favorite scene. Do you remember this one?The first challenge of the coach was to get the community to break up the racial divide and pull together. FEAR Don't Let it Control You! Fear. What is it? Can you touch it? Can you hold it? Can you show it to another person? I can almost hear you from where I am sitting.
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