A Plausible Defense
Direct Answers - Column for the week of August 5, 2002
I just looked at your website and read "Wanting To Be Caught," and I truly think that is awful advice! You said and I quote, "You can't act as if you had no wish to end the marriage when you undertook marriage ending actions."
I have just been caught cheating on my husband of 16 years, and at no point was I wanting to end my marriage. This whole experience woke me up and made me know just how much I love him. Now what I need to do is rebuild my trust with him, and hopefully one day he will believe me.
I don't think you can answer questions if you have never been through it! I really don't know why I cheated but I did, I do regret it, and I do wish I could take it away but I can't.
Raquel, people who work with criminals know if you want to understand the crime, you need to check police reports and the courtroom evidence. If you simply ask offenders, they will do everything to minimize their actions. They won't admit to anything you don't already know.
Whether you or your lover made the first advance, how did you justify your actions to yourself? What was in your mind when you decided to go out with him? What were you thinking while you undressed, or while he undressed you?
"I don't know" works when you are a small child, but it doesn't work with adults. Are you saying your mind was totally blank in the months and minutes before you slept with your lover? Are you saying you forgot you were married to someone else?
Your husband doesn't know what you told your lover. He will never know the true record of what you did. The distress you feel about what we say is normal for someone caught in an indefensible position.
What you are saying now is based on self-preservation, which creates a dilemma for your husband. If you won't say why it happened, how does he know it won't happen again? Then again, why would he stay if you tell him everything that was in your heart and mind?
Wayne & Tamara
My mom and Ed's mother were good friends when we were born. When I was a little under a year, we lived with them so I guess you could say Ed was my first boyfriend. A year later we moved to another city.
We never saw them until my mother started to look for Ed's mom and finally found her. That was last year. We met halfway and hit it off so good there hasn't been a day since we haven't talked. After three months of a long distance relationship, Ed decided to move here.
Now Ed wants to move back home because he says he is not happy here. He wants me to go back with him. We love each other so much and I care about his feelings, but I am young with a great job and a nice place to live, and all my friends and family are here.
He tells me, "Obviously you don't love me as much as you say you do, or you would do anything for me." And his best one is, "I am not leaving you, you are staying behind." Am I being selfish for wanting to stay?
Jeanne, one characteristic of successful couples is that they feel they are on the same page. When problems arise they find solutions which work for both of them. There isn't a solution which works for both of you.
You like him to the extent he fits in with the rest of your life. You wouldn't like him as well if you moved to his hometown. Your feelings for each other are based on each of you keeping your own life.
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com" target="_new">www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.