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Direct Answers - Column for the week of April 28, 2003 My wife of 35 years has fallen in love again with her old college boyfriend. I am 61, and she is 58. We have three grown children. Her boyfriend is 59, married, with two grown children. They had not communicated since college. A year ago they met at a class reunion. Since then, they have constantly talked on the phone. I know about their communication because my wife told me. However, last December my wife became secretive. One night I heard her saying "I love you" to him. When I confronted my wife, she admitted she loved him but she still loves me, too. She said she's not going to leave me and break up the family. She begged me not to leave or stop loving her. As a compromise we agreed he can call her once in awhile if he has important news about their classmates. She would not call him, as I reiterated to her that would be a violation of trust. However, a month later I overheard them talking. Again she begged me not to give up on her. I talked to my wife's boyfriend, and he assured me he's not trying to break up our family. He can wait until she is free, meaning if I die. If that happens, then they can pursue their dreams together. If not, then it's not meant to be. I love my wife and trust her with anything but her long distance love affair. He lives halfway across the country. They haven't had physical involvement yet, but despite its absence, I am deeply hurt. Shall I leave her, give up on her, or wait and see? Harry Harry, your wife has shattered your world and your relationship with her. Even if she stays, you will wonder about her reasons. She didn't wake up the day of the reunion a different person. She was already at a point where there was room for this to occur. When your wife talks to her boyfriend, you are not there. She and her unrestrained feelings are there. Relationships can become a habit, like putting your hat in the same place each time you come home. That does not reflect some deep emotion. It's just a habit. Habits can mask many feelings, the lack of feeling, or the longing for something else. That is why you may not feel you saw this coming, because she was maintaining most of her habits as your wife. Love is like a race. We all want to finish first. You cannot be forced into second place and feel good about yourself. The longer you are passive, the worse you will feel because you will be letting two other people decide what your life will be. You must decide how much contact, if any, you can accept. You must decide if certain boundaries are crossed, what you will do. You must decide for yourself what is acceptable for you, or if a boundary has already been crossed from which there is no return. Tamara Simple Answers I have been seeing this fellow for the past year. He says he has a love for me and feels comfortable with me. He mentioned when he is around me he thinks of someone dear to his heart. I asked, "Who?" He said, "My mother." I asked, "Is that why you can't have sex with me, because you see your mother?" He said, "Yes." Where does that leave me? Zora Zora, more than a century ago William James talked about the psychologist's fallacy. What he meant was that people are inclined to view everything as some sort of psychological problem to be solved. Things are often a lot simpler than that. He loves you like he loves his mother. You want someone who loves and desires you as a wife. Where does that leave you? In need of a cold shower. Wayne About The Author Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com" target="_new">www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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To Thine Own Self Direct Answers - Column for the week of December 6, 2004Someone gave me a bit of advice, and I'm doing my best to get my head wrapped around it, trying to understand and comprehend and translate it into my own life. What does it mean to "follow your own heart"?LisaLisa, Dante's "Divine Comedy" opens with the author saying, "Midway in the journey of our life, I found myself in a dark wood, for the straightforward path had been lost. Finding Hope In Trying Times Growing up, as a child of the 60's, peace, love and harmony were the words being chanted by the hippies, flower children and all who questioned authority and were against the Vietnam War. I remember thinking how I couldn't wait to grow up. Inspiring Values of Unforgettable Teachers All of us recall special teachers - people who not only taught us but inspired us in ways that changed our lives. William Arthur Ward once said, "The mediocre teacher tells. Charge Your Imagination (2) As year 2004 winds up and professionals and corporate bodies plot strategies for business excellence in 2005 and beyond, it is time to put their Imagination to real work. In the first part of this message, IMAGINATION, as a person, started an inspirational charge for the professional and business class on what the world of business would be like in the year 2030. A Life of Purposes Extraction Purpose. What is purpose? Drinking coffee when you wake up and making a habit of drinking coffee only when you wake up? No. Heart Direct Answers - Column for the week of May 24, 2004I am the mother of a 6-year-old child. My husband is an alcoholic and refuses to realize it because he can skip a few days, once in awhile, before drinking again. Win Your Own Lotto When people talk about enrichment, they are usually thinking of financial enrichment. (Show me the money!) But, we can enrich many other aspects of our lives too such as: spiritual, mental, physical, and social, as examples. The Author Within You! I always had an active imagination when I was young. I hated school, and would pass the time away day- dreaming about things I should not even have known about at such a young age. Change Those of you, who can fathom yourselves welcoming and enjoying a big, major change in your life right now, raise your hands! When I say, change, it might be a good change and it might be a bad change. Either way, we all don't know what that change is going to be like, what aspect of our lives is going to change and we might not even be happy with it. Romance - Can It Last? I'm a sucker for romance. I love movies where boy meets girl, boy loses girl and, against all odds, they find their way back to each other. Afraid of The Light? Plato once said, "It is easy to forgive a small child afraid of the dark, but not a full-grown man afraid of the light." Since long before Plato light has symbolized truth--facing the reality of our situation in relation to God, to others, and to self. Stop Trying to be Perfect In the moment of completing a thought or action, it becomes "perfect," within our ability to do it. Any process is perfect, in relationship to what it created. Look To Trees To Help You Keep Balanced And Focused While Achieving Your Dreams Do you remember looking up through the branches of a beautiful, leafy tree, on a warm sunny day? How the sunlight filtering through the lush greeness, seemed to take on an almost magical quality?And do you recall how this golden sunlight and the softly swaying branches almost seemed to be the physical enactment of a song, a whispering melody, just beyond the reach of your ears?Trees, strong and sturdy, with roots deeply entrenched in the ground, while all the time reaching for the heavens or stretching out, giving shelter and protection to all who need it.Which sort of tree are you more drawn to?Are you more like a tall tree that directs its energy upward, always focussing on the next goal and not really given to taking time to relax?Or do you have more in common with the shade giver, reaching out and wanting to experience all that life has to offer you?Perhaps at different points in your life, you're either one or the other, sometimes concentrating hard on accomplishing set targets, allowing no distractions until you've reached them. Universal Thought System Language Keywords Before we are able to use the Universal Thought System in a positive expansive manner, we must learn to use certain words in our language more effectively. The prime characteristic of the Universal Thought System is its consistency. Numbers Direct Answers - Column for the week of May 19, 2003I'm currently in the classic older man and younger woman relationship. I'm 50 years old, Nancy is 30, and we are both divorced. Silence Inside Silence means no voice input of any sort. What happens when there is silence? We cannot hear anything from the outside, but the voices inside are what we hear pretty clearly. Stand Up! One of the most undervalued blessings is God's will to make every individual a unique creation. It takes all kinds of people to do the great work of the Lord's kingdom, and it's a good thing that each of us has special talents, callings, and gifts to serve this purpose. Delay Can Reveal Doubts Confident Expectation! The feeling of 'confidence' is the assurance that your desire IS on its way. And getting to that place where we have no doubt is one reason why there is often a delay in receiving what we know is coming. When Self-Growth becomes Self-Sabotage Many of us invest quality time and energy into our personal development. We buy inspiring books, sometimes with the workbooks or journals that complement them. No More Frustration: The Thorns of Opportunity - Part II The quest for the ultimate victory.In part one I shared with you how not knowing what you don't know, much like the "thorny" gardener, can rob you of your time, and keep you from enjoying and living the life you want.
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