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Unintended Consequences
Direct Answers - Column for the week of May 26, 2003 My sister is celebrating her tenth anniversary this summer, and I'm concerned she is letting her relationship go. Her husband refuses to acknowledge any problems and doesn't believe in counseling. At the time my sister married, she was a successful businesswoman with a promising career. She worked through the birth of her second child, putting her husband through school, buying his first dental practice, and making their mortgage payments. She became a full-time mom at the birth of her third child. Her husband just doesn't seem to get it. He doesn't seem to know how to be sensitive to her need to feel loved and appreciated. He works just four days a week and spends at least one day a week golfing. She's tried to make him understand, but he doesn't think anything is wrong except he doesn't get to golf as much as he likes, and she doesn't "put out" like she used to. I've tried to be a good listener to my sister, though we live thousands of miles apart. Once her children were in school full-time, my sister went back to work. The hours she spends on the road (she's in sales) give her far too much time to think, and I'm afraid she's going to make a decision about her marriage and family without any help or reason. I suggested she get a referral to a therapist. Although it would be great for the two of them to go together, there is no way he would go, and he would only lose respect for her if he knew she was going. Would it be bad if I called her husband myself and got his take on the whole situation? The way my sister is talking, it sounds like she may just call it quits. Karen Karen, in the "The Monkey's Paw," a famous short story, a couple wishes for money and they get the exact sum they wanted. It is compensation for the death of their son, who is horribly mangled in a factory accident. The moral of the story is clear: be careful what you wish for. We absolutely understand your concern for your sister; however, there is no guarantee what you wish for will help. We often get letters from people who were pleased with the course of their marriage counseling. It became individual counseling and led to divorce and the beginning of a new life. Therapy may only confirm your sister's feeling about starting a new life without her husband. If you call your brother-in-law, he may feel secrets of his life and marriage have been shared without his knowledge or consent. You could be putting ideas into his head. Your brother-in-law may view your sister's new job as shopping for a new husband, or he may complain about his meddling sister-in-law. Your brother-in-law may become angry, stubborn, or vengeful. He may drive a wedge between you and your sister. Many of us want to correct everything which goes wrong in our quadrant of the universe, but it is simply beyond our power. You don't want your sister to get divorced, but that is beyond your power. What is within your power is to be there for your sister, as her sister, no matter what happens. Wayne & Tamara Method Of Approach I want to divorce my wife of 10 years for many reasons. My main fear is how to handle such a terrible shock to my 3-year-old son. How do I handle telling him on the very day I tell my wife that I want a divorce? Payne Payne, it sounds as if your news will shock your wife. The question to ask is how to tell your wife in a way which minimizes harm to your son. The key to your son's reaction is how you, and your wife, handle the change in your relationship. Wayne & Tamara About The Author Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com" target="_new">www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Summertime - Take Time To Smell The Roses I AM SO GRATEFUL for the time to smell the roses. Lying in a hammock between two shade trees Or wandering through a multicolodred rose garden, Sitting quietly and communing with nature Beholding something beautiful in each person I meet. Being An Adult I have always thought that grandparents were the icons of wisdom, the "go to" person with he answers, the epitome of patience.When I was young, I often thought, "When I grow up, I want to be like Grandpa". Remember The Titans --Let Them Never Forget... In the popular movie, "Remember the Titans" most of us most likely can recall our favorite scene. Do you remember this one?The first challenge of the coach was to get the community to break up the racial divide and pull together. Musicians Survival was Truly a Miracle: Singer Songwriter Fights for his Life Every morning when singer-songwriter Michael Alan looks into the mirror and sees the surgical scar across his chest he is reminded of how lucky he is to be alive. Three years ago he suffered a major heart attack and a year after the episode he was required to have open-heart surgery. The Angels on My Path I'm leaving on a TV tour in a few weeks. I'm going to be on the road. 7 Keys for Joyful Living! Here are some thoughts for finding and experiencing joy in your life. If there were one thing I could wish upon my family, friends and the readers of this Ezine, it would be joy in everything they do!Know your purpose. One Woman, One Leg, No Job What is social acceptance? Why is it so important? What can we do to overcome it? This inspirational story may change your attitude toward society and its evil un-acceptance and discriminations. Follow along as I give a detailed account of my experience with a life changing disability and the battle I continue to fight to gain acceptance and employment"I guess you can call me an average Jane. Control Your Own Destiny "You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you." -Brian TracyIn order to make choices that may change your destiny, you must first know yourself and what you are creating moment by moment. Two Choices That can Make Next Year The Best Year of Your Life What if there were just two choices you could make to insure that next year would be wonderful? There actually are, and these choices are quite simple in concept, yet not easy to do. They are not things you do on the outside, such as exercising your body (which is always a good thing to do!) but ways of thinking and being on the inside. Persistency - Element In Reality One of the keys to being successful in anything you do is persistence. Lets clarify the word 'persistence' :- It is ability to be persist on instances. The True and Magnificent Power of Giving You've probably heard of the popular saying "It's better to give than to receive." But do you actually know what hidden power lies within this magnanimous act known as "giving?"When you give something from your heart without expecting anything in return, you release a powerful force that will trigger your good deed to "bounce" back to you in amazing, and sometimes unusual ways. One Night Stand Direct Answers - Column for the week of February 24, 2003I met someone over the weekend who is very, very famous. I was volunteering at a sports function and his sister was working the function. How To Walk On The Path Of Peace (Part 2) If you are praying daily for wisdom, for peace, a fuller realization of Truth, for happiness and that which you are praying for is still far from you, then you are praying for one thing while living out in thought and action something else. Begin to think and act in the spirit of that which you seek, and expect it. Lewis And Clark Pay Attention As I write this Southern California has just ended its second week of triple digit temperatures. The intense heat changes the way we live and alters the rhythm of our days. Imagine How Different The World Would Look Just By Knowing What Type of Learner You Are Are you a listener or a writer type of learner?President John Kennedy was a reader and writer. President Lyndon Johnson was a listener. The Thief of Fulfillment Why does this happen?It's all to do with the way the subconscious perceives survival. It knows that you are in a safe position and that survival is more or less guaranteed if you carry on in the same way. Body Acceptance: The Secret to Weight Loss Success Can we love our bodies? As the years go by, each decade brings new and unexpected changes. We move from adolescence to young adulthood. Why Be Great? Have you ever thought of what it would take to make you "truly great" at what you do?Look around you at your employees and co-workers and ask yourself whether or not any of them are "truly great" at what they do. No doubt some of them really excel at their jobs and at life, while others just seem to get by. An Unquenched Thirst Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 9, 2002I'm engaged to a wonderful, warm and loving man whom I've been with for four years. We have always had mismatched libido. Playing with Matches Matches are all about power; a new world opens up when you strike a match and see it burst into flames.Most all children go through a period of fascination with matches.
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