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Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 15, 2003 I have a couple of questions for you. If a person no longer feels they love their spouse, is it time to divorce? Also, do you think a person who has had an affair can change enough for the betrayed to forgive and continue the marriage? Is it possible to salvage a marriage after the affair? Marie Marie, a book could be written on each of your questions, but the last question sounds like the one you are really asking. What do you mean by salvage? Do you mean the cake just fell on the floor and the guests are arriving. Can we patch it together and serve it from the kitchen so no one notices what happened? Or do you mean, after an affair, can you have the kind of marriage you would wish for your son or daughter? Marriage is a relationship different from all others. You can date many people, you can be friends with many people, you can be neighbors to many people. But the act of getting married says I choose this one unique being to share everything with me for the rest of my life. The basis for willingly binding yourself to one person is love. Their fidelity allows you to believe in their love. Their fidelity allows you to sustain your love. But if that person is unfaithful then they, not you, have brought their love into question. Infidelity validates your doubts about their love. The idea of fidelity is in the marital vows because it is essential. Fidelity is the one thing promised in virtually every religious tradition and understood worldwide. Why? Because breaking faith breaks the marriage. It is possible to forgive betrayal, but in our experience it is not possible to forget it. That would be like forgetting you have kids. It isn't going to happen. The unfaithful person would like the other person to forget, and the one betrayed would like to forget, but barring amnesia they cannot. How do you believe "I love you" after you have been betrayed? That is what people ask us years and even decades afterwards. For some people who stay in the marriage, divorce was not an option. For many people, it is not the case that they healed after infidelity. They simply live with the pain. Is that a "marriage" salvaged? Others claim you can get over infidelity. We say you may not be able to overcome infidelity. The difference is we focus on the innocent party. Wayne & Tamara Shop Talk I am an advice columnist myself, a Dutch one from Holland. I read your column online because I appreciate your work, your tone and style. My question is how do you get your quotes from world literature? I mean, the questions from your correspondents are pretty much straightforward. Mostly I agree with your advice, but you quite often have allusions to Shakespeare or Hemingway or other writers, allusions which corroborate your point in a wonderful, illuminating way. How come you have these citations at hand so easily? Do you go through books when answering questions? Do you have citation books or indexes? Or just an excellent memory? Beatrijs Beatrijs, a poem by Lawrence Ferlinghetti talks about a pickpocket who looks at a saint and sees nothing but pockets. We write about relationships because we see the world as nothing but relationships. When we look at a letter, our experience and these allusions just pop out. In the case of your letter, it was a line from a poem one of us read decades ago. We don't have perfect memories either. Most of us know much more than we think we know. Part of finding the answer to our problems involves letting what we know out. Part of finding the answer to our problems involves reading each situation with the sum total of our life experience. Wayne & Tamara About The Author Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com" target="_new">www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Wherever You Are, Be There One of the major reasons why we fail to find happiness or to create unique lifestyle is because we have not yet mastered the art of being.While we are home our thoughts are still absorbed with solving the challenges we face at the office. Top 15 Inspirational Quotations Get inspired and lift your spirits with these positive quotations that will surely stimulate your soul and perhaps motivate your mind.. Ask the Angels - Get Specific ! There are Angels for everything and they are just waiting for us to ask for their help. They can't help if we don't ask. A Lesson From A Hum Of A Bamboo Clump Have you heard a nature hymn? For example, a whir of ting-a-ling-a-ling sound yielded by bamboo leaves when wind blows to its clump? If you have an opportunity to visit a bamboo garden, try to listen to its hymn. The trees of a bamboo clump will sing along with the wind. More Than I Can Bare One of my long time best friends called me the other night with a horrible pain in her heart. She needed someone to talk to. On Track Direct Answers - Column for the week of January 27, 2003I have been involved with a married man for a little while. I am married myself, but it was an arranged marriage and I am very unhappy. Its Not Always About the Benjamins, Baby Often when I receive emails from this list with folks, Telling me that they have discovered their life's purpose but they don't have the money to do what they need to start living their purpose.Please, please, please do not let your lack of money stand in the way of you living the life that God has planned for you to live. Are You The Master Of Your Destiny? How strong are you? I'm not asking if you can carry 150 lbs. of weight. Long Odds Direct Answers - Column for the week of March 31, 2003I don't drive and have health problems. I have a friend who runs an under-the-table errand service. The Art of Selfishness Mature selfishness is the cornerstone of effectively living with passion and purpose. A commitment to self- interest is practical and efficient since you are better able to meet your needs than hope that someone else does. Attitude Adjustment "If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgment of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgment now. Brilliant Autumn: Reaping a Bounteous Harvest "But if in your thought you must measure time into seasons, let each season encircle all the other seasons, And let today embrace the past with remembrance and the future with longing." - Kahlil Gibran (1883-1931)The low afternoon sun cast soft rays through a cool October breeze. Save the Planet with Your Joy! Your own level of frequency raises or lowers the overall frequency of humanity, and because being at higher frequency equals the experience of joy, it is literally true that in order to raise up the world and deliver it from suffering, it is imperative that you are joyful! And most people think saving the world requires sacrifice and suffering! In fact, the very opposite is true. Indeed, the most magnanimous-and effective-thing you can possibly do for the planet and its inhabitants is to raise your frequency up out of pain and struggle to that of peace, joy, and ease so that the collective joy-level increases, thus lifting all out of pain and struggle. Innovation Management - Being Receptive to Inspiration Creativity can be defined as problem identification and idea generation whilst innovation can be defined as idea selection, development and commercialisation.There are other useful definitions in this field, for example, creativity can be defined as consisting of a number of ideas, a number of diverse ideas and a number of novel ideas. Eight Choices You Can Make Today that Will Change Your Life Forever The direction of our lives is determined by the choices we make every day. They accumulate and add up to our ultimate destiny. For Old Times Sake Direct Answers - Column for the week of August 19, 2002I am currently going through a divorce, and we've been negotiating the terms of the settlement for a year and a half without agreement. I have started a relationship with another woman, but I'm in a saddening, irresponsible situation that was mischievously planned by the ex. Have a Green Day, Every Day! Green symbolises growth. Growth requires change and transformation. Flaming Fire Within Our Bones Jeremiah was certainly one of the most distinguished notables of the Old Testament. To read his messages and experiences is to become acquainted with a great servant of God. The Nature of Anger Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life by Kevin B. BurkMany of us have some very definite ideas about anger. The Family Direct Answers - Column for the week of January 19, 2004I grew up in a very abusive family. Physical, mental, and emotional abuse were the norm.
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