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The Family
Direct Answers - Column for the week of January 19, 2004 I grew up in a very abusive family. Physical, mental, and emotional abuse were the norm. My father was the most abusive, but my mother echoed his sentiments and couldn't see why we were unhappy with what he was doing to us. Add to this sexual abuse suffered at the day care center they dumped me at, and I was hurt, confused, and losing myself. After one particularly nasty fight I told my father I had enough. He couldn't hit me anymore without me going to the police. He turned it all on me by saying my parents never wanted to have kids, and I was getting what I deserved. By 19, I felt so awful about myself I attempted suicide and thought about locking myself away in an institute to be safe from my family. I moved to Australia to study and met a nice boy. I'm 23 now, engaged, and we are planning a 2004 wedding. Since moving I've attended counseling, and I'm taking antidepressants. But my parents still run my life from thousands of miles away. They send me the most hateful e-mails and told me unless I get married at the family home, they will not consider me family. This they then retracted, but they call incessantly--which I don't answer--and criticize me over and over. Without asking they send money that I hate accepting, but it seems they always seem to know when I need more. They're honestly destroying my life. I feel so much guilt and sadness inside I am getting a facial twitch. My doctor told me my stress levels are rocket high, and that I'm slowly killing myself. My partner is very supportive and his family as well. They've suggested severing ties with my family since I am suffering so much stress and since I'm an otherwise bright, funny, and bubbly person. But I feel obligated to my family to solve their problems and make them happy with me. How do I stop the guilt? What if my family hates me? I'm 23. I can't imagine going my whole life without them. Even if they're completely worthless, they are still my family. Lynne Lynne, some people have an allergy to shellfish so severe eating shellfish will kill them. The only safe thing is to give up shellfish totally. But what if a person can't see living their life without eating shellfish? Then shellfish will kill them. Andrew Vachs, an attorney and child welfare advocate, said something we believed in long before we heard it. He said, "Family should be an operational term, not a biological term." To say it more simply, a man is your father because he acts like a father. A woman is your mother because she acts like your mother. Some people are born in poverty; some people don't get a chance for an education; some people grow up in homes with severe abuse. Wishing things were otherwise changes nothing. For people who grow up with severe abuse, the only way to save themselves and have a decent life, may be to walk away from their abusers. In the final Godfather movie, Michael Corrleone tries to escape from organized crime, but he finds it impossible. "Just when I thought I was out," he says, "they pull me back in." Your family is trying to pull you back into the cycle of abuse. In your own words, "They're honestly destroying my life." The behavior we would never tolerate at the hands of a stranger is sometimes routinely accepted inside the family. Your father was abusive in every way, and your mother supported him. Unlike Michael Corrleone, you have a choice. You now have people in your life who support you, care about you, and love you. Delete the e-mail and change your phone number. Choose the people who deserve to be in your life. Wayne & Tamara About The Author Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com" target="_new">www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Top 10 Things That Make Life Worthwhile Below are some of the things that, over the years, my clients have taught me about making life a wonderful adventure. You will, hopefully, have additions that uniquely enrich your life, and I hope you'll add them to this list and pass them along to others. Melting Snow I love the sounds of melting snow-plink, plink, ting, ting, ting, a staccato drip on sloped metal roofs, the occasional loud crack of a giant icicle, the bubble and gurgle of the mountain brook as it swells and tumbles over polished rocks on its way to the valley below.I love to gaze at the majestic white peaks with knowing wonder that they will soon morph into greens, oranges, purples, reds and a myriad of ever-changing hues, a dance between the sun, the clouds and the fog, a waltz of beauty and color that never changes partners yet never replays itself, each day a masterful original. Product Testing Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 24, 2002I suppose there are worse problems than having two men who want to share their life with me. However, it is a genuine problem. Recipe for Success "Desire is a tremendous force, and must be directed in the right channels (to work). - Florence Scovel ShinnTake one cup of Desire,Mix well with a heart full of Passion,Shake in a tumbler of Willpower,Add a full cup of Thought. Top 15 Inspirational Quotations Get inspired and lift your spirits with these positive quotations that will surely stimulate your soul and perhaps motivate your mind.. When Failure is a Gift I wanted, for many many years, to be a mystery writer. Finally I wrote a mystery novel. A Teller Of Tales Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 10, 2002I told my daughter I didn't think my daughter-in-law paid enough attention to her oldest son, 8. He has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, is on Ritalin, and lately has been kicking and hitting little kids. Look To Trees To Help You Keep Balanced And Focused While Achieving Your Dreams Do you remember looking up through the branches of a beautiful, leafy tree, on a warm sunny day? How the sunlight filtering through the lush greeness, seemed to take on an almost magical quality?And do you recall how this golden sunlight and the softly swaying branches almost seemed to be the physical enactment of a song, a whispering melody, just beyond the reach of your ears?Trees, strong and sturdy, with roots deeply entrenched in the ground, while all the time reaching for the heavens or stretching out, giving shelter and protection to all who need it.Which sort of tree are you more drawn to?Are you more like a tall tree that directs its energy upward, always focussing on the next goal and not really given to taking time to relax?Or do you have more in common with the shade giver, reaching out and wanting to experience all that life has to offer you?Perhaps at different points in your life, you're either one or the other, sometimes concentrating hard on accomplishing set targets, allowing no distractions until you've reached them. What Forgiveness Is Not Is a grudge-laden heart sabotaging your success in business and in life?Much has been written over the ages about the value of forgiveness. And yet so many people continue to resist the idea of forgiving their transgressors. Dare To Dream The rewards of life come to those who do, not to those whomerely read, talk or day dream. Action is the key. Night of the Living Dead For many people, life has become as dull and despairing as death. We suffer from spiritual inertia. A New Strategy Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 3, 2003My mother-in-law drives me crazy! She is an antisocial, critical, know-it-all who can't find anything decent to say about anyone but herself. Every time she comes to visit it puts such a damper on my relationship with my wife, it takes us days to recover. False Prophets Direct Answers - Column for the week of May 12, 2003Of all the relationship advice columns, I like and respect yours most because you never encourage using manipulation or "tricks" in relationships.I recently turned 30 and am considered an attractive woman. The Nature of Anger Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life by Kevin B. BurkMany of us have some very definite ideas about anger. From The Ashes The man plopped down on his chair, defeated.His father's maxims bit his ears and nagged him like tired Christmas jingles. Keeping Faith Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 30, 2003Please bear with me. I desperately need advice. Transform Old Grumpy This is a true story. A woman had Snow White and the Seven dwarfs in her yard as lawn ornaments. The Seasons Of Life, Part 4 of 5 This week is Part Four of our five part series on The Season's of Life.In Part One of the series we discussed:a) That life is about constant, predictable patterns of change. Psychic Sponge Syndrome: The Easy Inner-Centrifuge Remedy Here's a nifty trick to use to clear yourself of any psychic "stuff" you may pick up as you move through the world. I learned the basic format for it from a woman who had the booth space adjacent to mine at a tradeshow. How Four Words Can Enhance Your Life Of Prayer (Pray More In My Hectic Day? You Cant Be Serious) "I would like to pray more. But .
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