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The Dead
Direct Answers - Column for the week of February 9, 2004 I love my wife with all my heart and soul. She is now and will ever be the other half of my heart. Twenty years ago I felt much the same about another woman. She was my first true love. Unfortunately, her parents did not see us having a future together. Although I had a hard time letting go, I respected their wishes. We both went on to live separate lives. We married different people and had children, and we moved thousands of miles apart. I found out she died yesterday. I did not expect the news to affect me this way, but I am shattered. I feel the grief of loss, even though her love is something I have not had, nor could hope to have, for the last 20 years. I feel guilt for feeling this grief and do not know how to explain this to my wife. She can see the news affected me. How do I cope with this? Is it appropriate to send my condolences to her husband and children. What would I say? Guy Guy, in James Joyce's story "The Dead," a man named Gabriel Conroy goes with his wife Gretta to the annual Christmas dance given by his aunts. At the end of the evening, with most of the guests gone, a tenor sings a song which stirs a memory in Gretta. Gabriel's heart is brimming with happiness because he thinks his wife's thoughts are running with his. Back in their hotel room Gretta, in tears, explains that the song reminded her of a boy she once loved. The boy died after standing in the rain outside Gretta's window the night before she left home. Gabriel then realizes how deeply his wife loved this boy, and he realizes "how poor a part he, her husband, had played in her life." It's hard to share this memory with your wife without her wondering how poor a part she, your wife, has played in your life. To tell your wife she is the other half of your heart, and then to say 20 years ago you felt the same about another woman, may undermine the sincerity of your words. And what would you tell the husband and children of your first love? That you are the man who should have been her husband and their father? That won't help them. There is no reason to feel guilt, but you should realize this is all about you, your feelings, and your imagining of what might have been. We suggest two things. Write out all your feelings, perhaps even the entire story of your relationship, in private. In the writing you may come to understand why her death has affected you so deeply. And get a book on grieving as a way to get in touch with your emotions and accept her death. Some things must be faced alone. Wayne & Tamara A Day Away My friends and teachers take the mickey out of my name by singing "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow" from the musical "Annie." But they replace tomorrow with Tamara, and it really hurts my feelings. What should I do? Tamara Tamara, I bet my bottom dollar you'll be having people use word play on your name not just tomorrow, but for the rest of your life. Like you, I pronounce my name like the day after today, except the o's become a's and the w is dropped. People love making puns, and teasing or "taking the mickey out" of a name makes them feel clever. But isn't the mickey really on them? When you walk into a room, you are able to make people break into a happy show tune, whether they can carry a tune or not. That song makes people smile, and it ends with "I love ya, Tamara." Take it as a compliment and smile with them. Tamara About The Author Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com" target="_new">www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Mitigating Factors Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 30, 2002I am writing for advice on a personal dilemma of the most personal nature. I am male, mid-40s, married 20 years. Control Your Own Destiny "You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you." -Brian TracyIn order to make choices that may change your destiny, you must first know yourself and what you are creating moment by moment. You Reap What You Sow There is an old principle: You reap what you sow. In fact, it is about as natural of a principle as you can get. Patience - The Antidote for Stress Why is it so difficult to hold steadfast to a commitment to the very thing we desire? I'm sure you've had the experience of challenging your client with something to do, or to be, in service of moving them closer to their heart's desire. As you reconvene again and again, you note that the client can't seem to stay committed to the steps that will realize their dreams. The Thief of Fulfillment Why does this happen?It's all to do with the way the subconscious perceives survival. It knows that you are in a safe position and that survival is more or less guaranteed if you carry on in the same way. The Tiniest of Gladiators I stared into those biggest of navy blue eyes and felt the power of his fighting spirit, despite the pain and week long raging fever. Most of the time my heart was in my throat and my mind was awash with counter-productive thoughts like, "why him?" and "this isn't fair!"This wasn't helping him to be sure (my daughter was much stronger than I), but in spite, he not only survived the arduous ordeal, but he emerged the victor!I am talking about my infant grandson, Corbin Nicolas, clobbered with a serious infection of the lymph glands. Tranquility It's all in the mind- your mind.It's not brought about in an instant by serene surroundings,nor by the sound of soulful music, nor the beauty of summer blooms. Case Closed Direct Answers - Column for the week of October 27, 2003I met my boyfriend on an online dating service four months ago. About a month ago I went to the dating service website to take my profile off. Keep On Believing It has been said that a man is what he eats. Someone else said that a man is what he reads. What is Passion? What is passion? Recently after a presentation, I was once again thanked for my passion. The compliment was genuinely given, as was my returned thank you. Lisas Christmas Lisa was born into a loving Christian family and went through life knowing of The Lord and his supreme sacrifice. She was accustomed to Amazing Grace each Sunday and saying grace before meals. The Beauty of Life "An unexamined life is not worth living."-- SocratesI have just finished reading a most astounding statement from A. The Climbs In Our Lives I grew up climbing mountains. Mountains are beautiful and challenging, majestic and all powerful. Where Did We Miss? Talking with friends, people I meet on a regular basis, I realized that many of us make a bigger a deal of meditation than it actually is. For some people, meditation is somewhat of a discipline, and for others it's the discipline about meditation that makes them run away from it. Its The Journey, Not The Destination Don't you just hate clichs like the one illustrated in the headline of this article? I know I do. But love them or hate them, most of us must admit that such adages and clichs are often grounded in truth, and this one is no different. Moneys Sad Lack of Intrinsic Value A good number of my columns deal with finances and money-related issues. Obviously, these are issues we have to confront everyday. How Four Words Can Enhance Your Life Of Prayer (Pray More In My Hectic Day? You Cant Be Serious) "I would like to pray more. But . A Word Fitly Spoken ~ Acceptance A WORD FITLY SPOKENA word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver. Proverbs 25:11I expect to pass through this world but once. Your Support Network Quick. Who's in your support network? Huh? What's a support network? Do I have a support network? Honey, who's in my support network?Your support network is that group of people you can go to with problems, questions, to vent, to cry on their shoulders. A Lifetime In Love We let ourselves love but are afraid to say I love you. We constantly allow our emotions to run deep but why do we hold back on our sweet sensations and tingling feelings?Sometimes although it hurts so bad we cry out for more.
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