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Choicemaking: Self-Help Secrets Revealed
We all assume that making choices is a simple process. We see what's in front of us and we choose the best option. That's the way it goes in this choicemaking process. But what if it were not that simple? Because, let's face it, people make the wrong choices everyday. The wrong girlfriend! The wrong boyfriend! The wrong destination! The wrong colors, and so on. Choicemaking is not as simple as it may seem. Smokers continue to smoke. Drinkers continue to drink. Drug users continue to abuse. If making choices was so simple, then none of the above problems would exist, would they? Look at your own life for a few moments. See if all your choices have been wise ones. Is there a repeating choice occurring that still produces the same negative result? Why are you still making it? When it comes to Life Choices, then we see that this process is not as simple as choosing the right candy, or movie, or other form of entertainment. Truly FREE choicemaking is based on Personal Characteristics, Prehistory and Personal Awareness. How aware are you of your Prehistory to determine why you may be making the same faulty choices over and over again? Why does a woman continue to choose the same type of abusive man? Why does a man continually succomb to the definitions and desires of others? There's no choice in such examples, only repeating patterns! But the fact is: "There is choice!" Choicemaking still goes on, even if it's outside our conscious awareness. A part of us is making choices based on - prehistory, old patterns or a familiar expectation like "I never get what I want" or, something similar. These are some of the common denominators of Prehistory. As a child you React to your environment. You adopt the Status Quo, that is, how things work in your family of origin. You make unconscious choices based on Survival Value. "If my dad always yells at me when I need something, then I won't "need" and won't ask anymore." And you give up trying to get that Need Met! Repeat this a few dozen times and see how many things you have given up. And worse, you start convincing yourself "you don't really need it!" The more dysfunctional your Family of Origin is, the more Reactive and Unconscious your choices tend to be. And this is the root of all negative choices. Very few people would Consciously choose a situation or pattern with a guaranteed negative outcome. So called "common sense" is about hindsight and stating the obvious. The fact that so many choices are made at a subconscious level, cancels out any so-called fruitful effects of "common sense." Common Sense isn't so common after all. Patterns return. Familiarity seems safer. Only because these are known. Making a choice for a better Life is tatamount to a Crisis. It certainly is a Crisis for the Part of You that makes your unconscious choices! Some call this part your "survival side" or your "inner tyrant." He, she, or It, has a big investment in maintaining Control. So you "doze off" or "go numb" when an important Critical Choice has to be made. You are still making a choice, only you are "choosing not to choose." And the necessary choice is relegated to your Unconscious Self. You "allow" this unconscious "protector/controller" self to make the choice for you. And then, you see the Same Old Negative Result. Once again confirming "You Are the Victim of Forces Beyond Your Control!" What has to happen on a conscious level for this pattern to change? "Know Thyself" is the key phrase here. And this is no small order. Even well trained Psychologists can have a tyrannical unconscious self to deal with. It is critical to get to the bottom of this though. One has to see that those unconscious choices: a) exist and; b) no longer work. What once had survival value, during childhood, has now become a detriment to your healthy development as an adult. We've all had occasion to say: "he's acting like a child again." Or, "I felt like a child who needed her mother." These are common enough experiences for all of us to relate to. The Primary Sign of True Adult Development is Emotional Maturity. This includes the ability to make choices based on the evidence at hand, and not the "programs" from one's prehistory. True Freedom comes when one's childhood, hurtful past is laid to rest. Freedom comes when we take hold of ourselves and declare: "I'm making the decisions from now on - not my old Childhood Self - not my Abused and Frightened Self - not my Victim Self, or any part of me that came into being before I could make conscious choices. In a safe environment we grow up capable of making informed choices. We are allowed to be ourselves. In Dysfunctional Environments, Conscious Choicemaking is Absent. We react. We resist. We counterattack. And we become passive- aggressive. We identify ourselves as victims, because we feel victimized. And we make limited, uninformed choices based on these stressful circumstances. There's no such thing as a Free Choice here. Survival takes precendence. "What do I need do to survive this stress?" replaces "What choice would I like to make at this time?" We come to believe that: "we are what is happening to us" - The Victim - The Abused One - The Abandonned One, and so on. Name your Poisonous Identity. These are factual results of various types of domestic tyranny. There are hundreds of self-help books addressing each one of these results. How do You Change a Reactive Choice to a Free Choice? You become aware of who you are. Of what happened to you as a child, and what you need now to correct this. You make Conscious Choices to better your life. You seek out resources that will help you untie all these psychological and emotional knots. You Choose to open yourself up to the Inner You, the person you are, or could be, had none of the above happened. You choose to get in touch with your full potential, and to clean out all the garbage that no longer belongs. You are choosing Your Freedom! This Could Be A Long Process Indeed. What's your alternative? To live out your life as a pattern of prepackaged reactions that were triggered by others? Or, to live your life as it could be, given what you now know about cleaning up messes? I made my commitment 40 years ago, and I still work at it. But it's not so hard anymore, and I have had some fun along the way. I actually enjoyed untangling those knots. As I needed certain things, they came along in one form or another, a good Counselor, a Friend, many Great Books, an Inspiring Movie, and so on. As I learned to take responsibility and own my feelings, things improved. I improved. I got stronger. I benefitted from these conscious choices. As I learned to overcome defeat and curtail negative self- references, I gained self-esteem. As I realized that a part of me ( the tyrant) seemed programmed to harm me, I took away its power and claimed it for myself. This Is The Hero's Journey From Mythology. Into the Heart of Darkness we go, past the Guard Dog "Cerebus" (inner tyrant) to recover our Essential Self (innocent inner child), and become what we can be. It is a long and difficult journey at times, but well worth it in the end. I wouldn't trade my journey for any other experience. That's the level of my commitment and the rewards that come with it. Whatever it takes. Wherever I need to go. I'll do it. Because, I am worth it. AND SO ARE YOU!!! Are you ready to commit to the Full Expression of your Being? Then Let's Get Moving! Maurice Turmel has a PHD in Counseling Psychology and was a practicing therapist for nearly 25 years. Self-Help issues are dealt with regularly in his monthly Ezine "The Self-Help Advisor." Dr. Turmel likes to use parable stories to illustrate important points. He has authored 3 books and is also a performing songwriter. He can be reached through his Website at: www.mauriceturmel.com">http://www.mauriceturmel.com
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Guard Your Heart It was 1:30 A.M. Tomorrow May be Too Late A high school senior, looking forward to going to college, inspiring to become a doctor kisses her parents and dashes out the door to go to school, smiling, and waving goodbye -- never realizing that before day's end, she would meet the fate of a deadly bullet.A husband and wife have a lover's quarrel, laying back to back in bed -- he, thinking about apologizing, she, thinking about talking tomorrow. Here is The Inspirational Wisdom From The Masters Have you always wanted to do invent something, create something, improve the lives of other people, write a book, meet the partner of your dreams, and make more money. Here is some inspiration for you then. Create Your Way Out of It When life has you feeling less than happy, and you would like to see things different than they are, here are some tips that can help you.I learned that there IS a way out of and beyond any situation that we are less than happy about. What Movies Can Teach You About Meaningful Coincidences (Use Them to Get What You Want) When you have your dream clear in your mind and you go after it in the right way, the universe will send you miraculous help through meaningful coincidences. Sometimes you may have only one opportunity to receive such help. In the Eyes of a Child It was way past 10:00 pm when I came home from a grueling day of schoolwork and extracurricular activities. The wind was rustling about overhead as I paced through the door of our humble abode. The TOP 5 Things That Keep You From Success Everyone wants to be rich. A lot of people want to be successful. Those Who Sleep Get Sliced Chang lived in Flushing, Queens. Every afternoon he rode the train into Manhattan to work in the post office. Alone But Not Lonely In today's fast paced society, we've become accustomed to filling the eeriness of silence with fluff. We turn to many distractions as a means of escaping feelings of idleness or boredom. Where Do You Go For Your Intellectual Feast? (excerpted from Leading an Inspired Life)Pity the man who has a favorite restaurant, but not a favorite author. He's picked out a favorite place to feed his body, but he doesn't have a favorite place to feed his mind!Why would this be? Have you heard about the accelerated learning curve? From birth, up until the time we are about eighteen, our learning curve is dramatic, and our capacity to learn during this period is just staggering. Myth And Reality Direct Answers - Column for the week of February 2, 2004I am at a complete loss about what to do with my mother-in-law to be. In a nutshell, she's verbally abusive. Sissys Show of Support I had been fighting with the software program that I used to build my website. The software program had a bug in it and would occasionally anger the main brains of my computer. Journals You Can Keep Besides your daily feelings, thoughts, and experiences journal, there are many ideas for journals or diaries that you can keep, some are suggested below. Buy a blank book or a notebook with a particular journal topic in mind and keep this book for only that topic. There Must Be More To Life Than This If you suffer from a nagging feeling of "there must be more to life than this", you're not alone."There must be more to life than this" can be an extremely de-motivating force. Computers and Internet: Inspiring Us to Create The Internet is sometimes criticized (usually by parents who think their kids need to be outdoors more often) as leading people to be sitting in front of their computers all day growing bulbous, lethargic and (depending on who you talk to) stupid. I think that the opposite can often be true. Full Disclosure Direct Answers - Column for the week of April 21, 2003I hope you can talk me out of this bad feeling. I watched the Michael Jackson program where he was talking about how he was treated by his father. How To Deal With Rejection Rejection! Who hasn't experienced the horrible feeling of being rejected? Unfortunately we are often judged on what we do or say, which leads to either being accepted or rejected, valued or discarded.The feeling of being rejected can come through a look, a sigh, comment, criticism or even silence - like when you apply for a job, summit a paper, send an email or letter and you get no reply! Or when you get a rejection letter having applied for a job. The Procrastinating Perfectionist Are you a procrastinating perfectionist? I once read an article dealing with the fear of failure and success. The author described it as the following: "The curse of the procrastinating perfectionist". A Dream is Just a Dream ... Or is It? Some people dismiss dreams as nonsense, thought patterns running amuck as we sleep because we are not conscious and in a position to control them.Others believe that a dream is meant to serve a purpose and provide information that our conscious mind is unable to recognize. Courage That Changes Your Life "The scars you acquire while exercising courage will never make you feel inferior." D.
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